When I think again to the first time we met, I did not have butterflies, nor did I have ga-ga eyes for you. You as well as everyone else can tell that I am far from a girl who is in love.
If anyone ever tried to imply such thing, I assure you I would gag up and feel utterly disgusted.
So, to put it simply; I NEVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Then what happened? I did confessed to you, right? Were my feelings fake? Am I just playing or toying with you? Did I lie? Were you not worth my time?
LMAO dude, none of these assumption are true. When I confessed to you, saying I love you, I am genuinely in love with you.
The thing is… I didn’t fell in love with you, I walk in love with you.
When you first came, I didn’t fell for your looks. I didn’t fell for your voice. I didn’t fell for your laugh, your smile, your humor, or your moves. Nope. None of that. You know better of me, and I certainly did not fell for your charms.
Unlike the others, I don’t have that tinggly-magical-extraordinary-princess feeling that stabs me in the heart proclaiming I am in love. Nope. Even though I am a hardcore believer and a sappy typical girl who believes in fairytale love story. But God’s plan is much more amazing than mine. So even if I’m a pathetic believer in love songs and love story, He didn’t gave me that kind of love. Instead, His plan unfolds perfectly in my unperfect world. Because, my feelings to you did not come like rain on an unexpected sunny day. It didn’t came when you gave your pretty smile at me. Not even when you laugh at my silly, unfunny jokes.
My feelings to you didn’t come unnoticed or uninvited. It was a journey. I took step by step to see the Jesus in you.
It was the most peaceful encounter yet. And I believe you serve your purpose very well according to the Father’s plan. I didn’t run into your direction and fall for you. Nope. I walk alongside you, seeing your flaws, your beauty, your weakness, and your strength. As I did with you, you experience the same with me. Although, God didn’t plan for you to be in love with me, he planned that you walk by me when I needed you the most.
Words exchnages, and glances were made. And when I did realized I was in love, it wasn’t a stray blizzard of feelings. It was a gentle touch of whisper from the Holy Spirit saying, ‘My dear, love him’.
To be honest, I had my doubt, I didn’t think that I could love you. So I prayed for love. And by each passing day, it was easier because God was leading. He walked with us in my journey, and He didn’t let me stumbled or fall “accidentally in love”. Instead he guided me to love and to see Him inside of you. And when I was fully ready, I told myself, “I love him”. And I did love you.
But despite my feelings, God gave me trials to see how much I trusted Him.
He gave me competitions. A winner who I couldn’t dream of beating.
And so, my emotion was tested to their best.
I didn’t gave up. I just accepted the pain. And humble myself to God’s will. Everyday with pain clenching my heart, I repeat the same mantra over and over and over and over again.
“God, let Your will be done, and not mine”
It was hard at first. But sacrifices comes with pain, and tears. And so I let myself love you from afar. I realized that when I fell so far away from you, I get closer to God. Each and every day, your name alongside my families and friends was spoken as my beloved ones. And alongside my nemesis and those who hate me, I pray that you never feel my pain.
Sometimes it was unbearable. And I feel like I wanted to scream at God to make it stop. But, when I see you happy, I thanked God instead. It was easier as the days comes. And now I am afar, I’m sure it wasn’t a simple crush. It was love at it’s best. And I still love you. For whatever reason, I still do. And I won’t deny it. Until God gave me the next instruction and direction to pour my love out, then you will stay in my heart and in my prayers as my beloved. Because who knows, that God made me love you because you needed my prayer.
And I assure you, even if this feelings changes in the future, your name will stay constant in my prayers, as the people who help me get closer to God.
I DID NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU, I WALK IN LOVE WITH YOU.